i would like to preface all this by saying that i’ve never been “in” any sort of music scene and frankly i wouldn’t really consider myself “into” music. i don’t spend a lot of time searching for new music, most of the music i listen to is objectively pretty bad, and i am also one of those types who will listen to the same song or set of songs like a thousand times in a row. but then, i watched bocchi the rock, and everything changed: i went out and bought a guitar, played it until my fingers bled, found some bandmates who became my closest friends and then after working hard for weeks we finally took the stage for our first show... NO, here is what really happened: i finished the show, thought “huh i guess that sort of thing might be cool to be a part of”, and promptly forgot all about it. then, in one of those classic synchronicity moments (like when you check out the “ramon llull” wikipedia page and then suddenly it seems like everything you read afterwards namedrops him), a friend of a friend announces on extremely short notice that he will be hosting an “underground” concert in his backyard shed with four small hip local bands he’s friends with. this could be my bocchi moment, i think, except that i have not been shut-in for a couple of years autistically getting really good at some instrument, no i have just been playing dance games and reading and writing screeds on this Website. but there are other options: i recalled that part where they had bocchi working in the bar area, and i immediately asked if i could be the venue’s exclusive drinks vendor. sure, he said, as long as i didn’t try to sell any alcohol.

luckily, getting cheap bulk drinks isn’t hard / when you’ve got a Costco card. then i scavenged a bunch of stuff from around the house to make my stand look really legit (old minifridge, wagon, camp chair, folding table, my brother’s old safe to use as a cash box, gigantic "magnum" sharpie for making signage) and headed over to the venue a bit early to get set up. i scored a primo spot for my stand just inside the entrance of the open garage, beside a 1988 hatchback honda civic that i believe they had just finished pushing in there from the backyard, to make more room outside. what they didn’t know is that it was almost certainly going to rain, which is why i made sure to claim one of the only dry spots besides the big backyard shed where the bands would be playing. i drew up some signs, laid out the products with prices on the table, made a display for the single plush minecraft bee i was trying to sell for fifty bucks (HIGH ROLLERS ONLY, EXTREMELY LIMITED SUPPLIES said the sign i wrote for it), set up the safe/cash box, organized the stock in the back, gave up on trying to find someplace to plug in the minifridge and decided just to use it for show, and then finally sat back in my camping chair. soon, my assistant/friend (who had offered his services when i’d talked about the whole scheme on the way home from the arcade the day before) showed up and took a seat beside me. to finish things off, i opened up and poured some inaugural glasses of our private drink supply for the night: a $12.99 costco box of wine poorly hidden in the corner of the table behind the “cash box”. one of the benefits of working for yourself at an impromptu backyard concert is that you can drink on the job.

things immediately seemed like they were going wrong. it was already “doors open” time and barely anybody had shown up. the flustered friend-of-a-friend, who had boasted of hosting “400 people” in his modest backyard during the last show he’d done, was running back-and-forth between the shed and the entrance mumbling questions about the whereabouts of “all the people”. things started to look up as the first band began their set and people streamed in. many people passed the stand but they were mostly looking for the bathroom or calling the minecraft bee cute. thank you, i’m well aware. i sipped the boxed wine continuously hoping that maybe it would sharpen my sales skills. i just had to bide my time until people got thirsty from bobbing their heads to the music or whatever they were doing over there in that shed. a guy asked if we sold beer and i told him if he put some cash in the tip jar i could give him some boxed wine. he said he would think about it and wandered off. some tipsy girls came by and inquired about the “barter” part of my “cash venmo -or- barter ONLY” sign, and filled up my emptied wine glass with some kind of juicy vodka concoction in exchange for a dr. pepper. a good friend stopped by and chatted for a while, and perhaps feeling a bit of pity due to our lack of sales so far, bought a coke which he went upstairs and mixed with vodka right away. the guy from earlier came back, dropped a dollar in the tip jar, and i poured him a big swig of wine. i remained optimistic, as it was barely seven and the night was still young.

then, disaster: i noticed flashing lights reflected on the side of the neighboring house. i squeezed out of the comfy corner in the garage and headed out front to investigate. there was a cop car stopped in the street, and one concert host bravely taking one for the team talking with them through the rolled-down window. everyone else stood on the lawn watching closely with concerned expressions. i consulted with them and it seemed that things were Not Going Well. our expert negotiator had valiantly stalled them for nearly thirty minutes but the threats of arrest were becoming too frequent for his tastes. i slinked back to the garage and sullenly reported the news. the first band finished their set, somebody made an announcement, the music died down, and people slowly streamed out of the shed and past my stand. not a single one stopped to buy anything. i guess it hadn’t been long enough for any of them to get thirsty. i sat back in my chair and drank copious amounts of wine while shouting “fuck tha po-lice” at intervals and generally complaining about how i’m never going to financially recover from this. the expert negotiator, now off the clock, came by and started shouting about how he was going to kill the neighbors. eventually the last attendees trickled out, and we convened a meeting in the living room. they had found another venue a half-hour walk away, truly underground this time (in someone’s basement). i asked if i could still sell drinks and they said probably not because it was way cramped, so as they left i stuck around with my friend/assistant on the couch. i retrieved the boxed wine and we watched tv in a somewhat drunken stupor. at some point a girl in one of the bands came in, tossed me twenty bucks, and said she was taking the minecraft bee. i bought it for 19.99 so i guess i technically made a profit.

when i left, i discovered a parking ticket on my windshield. welcome to the Real World.