whenever i’ve opened up microsoft word on my desktop in the past month or so, it’s displayed these menacing messages warning me that the product has been “deactivated” and that they’re going to disable "most features" on November 27th. this is quite distressing because i do nearly all of my writing in word, and i really thought they had forgotten about me and that i was going to be able to get away with using it for free forever. sure, they had been badgering me occasionally to log back in to the ancient academic account i had downloaded it under for several years now, but there was never any threat of shutting it down completely until now. i guess the giant corporate gears grind slowly but inevitably...
now that i think about it, that copy of word wasn’t actually free, i paid for it quite dearly in the tuition for that particular academic institution before i fled for less-pricy pastures (also correspondingly less forthcoming with software licenses). even though my tenure there was tenuous, i paid such an amount for that brief time that i deserve at least a lifetime no-questions-asked word license and maybe a building named for me. i suppose there’s a possibility that if i could somehow log back in to that ancient academic account the counter would reset again and i would be fine for the next couple years, however it’s almost certainly impossible to pull off without going through some byzantine account recovery protocols. the last time i remembering dealing with them was when they were doing an annoying transition to “2-factor authentication” due to concerns about phishing. i can understand having additional security for staff accounts, but what could they possibly think hackers are going to do if they break into a student account? log on to canvas and maliciously submit homework for me? pay my exorbitant tuition?
at the very least they only forced you to re-authenticate every month or so through an app, which probably wasn’t too bad for most people. however, cursed to never be most people, at the time i was using my old phone due to the aftermath of the Infamous Spaghetti Incident, and naturally the app was not compatible with such an old version of android (which was the latest version of android that phone could support). the backup option was to procure something called a “hardware key”. evidently they didn’t actually expect anybody to avail themselves of it because the “official process” involved manually opening up a support ticket and begging for help from people in the IT department who had clearly never had to do this before and thus had no idea what they were doing. in the end, i got one from an extremely-flustered student worker at a helpdesk in the library, a little keychainy thing you press a button on that displays a six-digit number for a couple of seconds on a tiny lcd screen. it’s still buried in the sedimentary layer of stuff on my desk, it displayed “306609” when i pressed the button just now. perhaps it could be repurposed for use in divination.
at this point, though, i think i would rather pony up $149 for “Office Home & Student 2021” than leap through hoops for another stay of execution. i’m pleasantly surprised, however, to see that microsoft still allows you to outright buy microsoft office instead of having it exclusively as part of some bullshit subscription plan (although they do a good job of trying to bury the option on the webpage). it doesn’t come with continual free updates that are supposed to be a major “benefit” of submitting to corporate rent-seeking the subscription plans, but realistically it already has everything i need and i could see myself using word 2021 for the next thirty years, like how george ugh ugh martin still writes all his stuff on DOS using wordstar 4.0 (released in 1987).
maybe, though, there’s an even better option. the other day i went to the thrift store, and as usual they had some typewriters around. they got me thinking: could this be the answer to my word woes? a typewriter could not only replace the software, but also help keep me focused. it feels like i've been very easily distracted by the internet lately, the sort of tech issue that i tend to solve through serendipitous opportunities for ludditism rather than downloading browser extensions or whatever people usually do. i was disappointed to discover, however, that typewriter prices are now pushing $60, whereas back in the good old days when i was a strapping young youth (5 years ago) they could be had for as little as $20. i can't imagine who could be buying them at those prices these days, which is probably why there's always a few shelfwarming in the store. then, in a neglected corner, i discovered a strange square box that looked like it could’ve been a particularly chunky old laptop, the kind of thing i always make sure to investigate. when i took off the top cover, it turned out that it was actually the smallest electronic typewriter i’ve ever seen, still completely functional. the price for such a treasure? only $20. i bought it immediately.
now, i know what the objection will be: “but you already HAVE a typewriter that you never use!” look, i have very good reason to believe things will be different this time. the new typewriter is an enormous upgrade, a modern high-tech typewriter for the sophisticated writer. here's a comparison picture, new one on the right:
it's smaller, lighter, and even BATTERY-POWERED (runs on 4 huge D batteries), basically the laptop of typewriters. it’s also exceptionally quiet compared to the old typewriter, which still uses primitive mechanical methods to loudly slap letters onto the page. meanwhile, i can’t even tell how the new typewriter works, words appear on the page improbably fast and remarkably quiet for a typewriter. thanks to its unobtrusiveness i can easily imagine myself taking it to all the public places laptop people go to focus and work quietly: the coffee shop, the library, molokai, trains, planes (as long as i don’t mind getting tackled by air marshals and/or concerned passengers who think it’s some kind of bomb). hopefully this will herald the start of a glorious golden age of writing. maybe i'll finally finish writing about my trip to hawaii (it was almost 2 months ago now). maybe i'll complete that "all that is sold melts into tags" essay. maybe, MAYBE i'll consider starting The Novel, or The Autofiction (way easier), or put aside all pretenses and work on The Memoir. wow, microsoft was really holding me back more than i thought...