february canned coffee "news" roundup

⊕so recently i got this concerning letter from costco in the mail: their coffee can picture is better than mine! but more seriously, they are recalling the costco colombian cold brew canned cofeee because there might be a BOLT in the can. i was left with a lot of questions: how did this happen? how many bolts? how big? i almost called the toll-free number to ask but decided that would be something a nut would do. also, i get bad cell reception, half my phone screen is broken, and i am deathly afraid of phone calls.

however, i did go to their website, a single page site that seems to have been set up only to address this particular “incident”. it starts with an exact copy of the letter, but below there was an faq that laid to rest all my questions. there were “potentially 3 impacted cans out of approximate 3.5M cans produced”. a one-in-a-million chance, if you find the bolt you should get to tour the factory. to answer the rest, here’s an excerpt:

Q: How will I know if I drank impacted product?

A: Due to the bolt size, you would have heard the bolt inside the can. The likelihood of the bolt falling out of the opening of the can while drinking is slim (requires shaking to get the bolt out) and you would have felt it in your mouth.

Q: How did this happen?

A: Corrective action has been identified and implemented.

there is something absolutely hilarious to me about the frank, detached tone these were written in. i especially love the sidestepping complete non-answer to “how did this happen?”. a corporate uncommunication master class.

it’s funny this is all happening now because just recently i decided to stop drinking the costco cold brew for other reasons. it’s way too strong so i only drink half a can per day, pouring it into a cup and then diluting it with a lot of water. this also means i would probably have been safe from choking on any bolts, although i suppose it would still have been in the bottom of the can contaminating the coffee with nefarious metallic energies. then again, the whole can is already made of metal so who knows if it would be much worse. if anything, with a bolt in there you would get some more balance in your metal intake.

i went and checked the two cans i have left in the fridge and sure enough, they are subject to the recall. i am probably just going to drink them sometime anyway. i am loathe to throw out most likely perfectly good (if way too strong) canned coffee and there is absolutely way i’m going to sheepishly turn up and wait in line at the costco customer service counter for 20 minutes to receive a $3 refund and allow them to dispose of the cans in accordance with all of the proper rituals for warding off lawsuits and liability that began with the issuance of the letter i received.

⊕big props to whoever uploaded the wonky original graph to wikipedia. i wonder how they managed to measure gdp in the year 1280.so off in australia, boss coffee is running a new advertising campaign laying japan’s success in doing things at the feet of canned coffee. is that true? i may be biased, but i have done some basic research into the claim (which you can see at right) and conclude that it is a definite maybe. boy do i wish i could try that iced double espresso canned coffee in the ad.